How Many Times Does No Contact Work?

Wondering if no contact can work its magic more than once? In this piece, I will arm you with insights that will make such questions a thing of the past.

Many of my clients who are familiar with no contact come to me after they've broken it. There's nothing to be ashamed of in this - we all understand, myself included, how tough a breakup can be. It sucks. To determine whether no contact can work more than once, we need to peel back the layers and understand why it works in the first place:

It's simple: it works by restoring balance between you and your ex - the equilibrium of power, value, and influence. When you initiate no contact after a breakup, objectively, you both stand on an even keel: neither party is pursuing the other. This neutral footing sets the stage for the rekindling of attraction, gradually elevating it back to its previous intensity.

Once a certain level of attraction is regained, they might feel the urge to reconnect with you. That's the essence of why no contact works. It isn’t a mysterious tactic or clever strategy (although I do refer to it as such sometimes, mainly because terms like "no contact rule" or "method" are what people usually search for). At its core, it's nothing more than stepping back - mirroring the same action your ex took.

When you reach out to your ex and don't get the response you were hoping for, the process of reestablishing the balance between you two, as well as the revival of attraction, comes to a halt. And sometimes, depending on how and when you broke no contact, this process might not just stop, but also backtrack to a certain extent. Let me illustrate this:

Think of the red line as a representation of your growing subjective value in your ex's mind (it's akin to attraction, but slightly more intricate). The moment you break no contact, this growth stops. The blue line, on the other hand, depicts the loss of attraction and value. Consequently, the influence you have over the relationship diminishes. Simply speaking, there's a chance your ex will need a bit more time to change their mind about you. How long exactly? Unfortunately, without knowing the specifics, it's hard to make a prognosis. But I can answer one important question:

Here's a secret: attraction isn't bound by numbers. It doesn't keep score on how many times you falter. The fundamental process remains the same, regardless of how many times you stumble along the way.

I've seen cases where individuals have pleaded with their exes for months on end, then tried no contact, only to break it three, even four times! However, when they eventually summoned up the courage to resolve that they wouldn't reach out to their ex no matter what, something changed. True, it took more than a few months, but ultimately, they reconciled.

Therefore, the most important step in achieving your desired outcome is to swiftly reestablish your no contact. And here's what will happen next:

As you can see, the recovery process continues. Your perceived value in the mind of your partner still grows. The attraction still grows. Yes, there's a drawback caused by the blue line, but it's not fatal.

But how can you restart no contact in the most effective way? It's easy, too: just stop any communication with your ex. That's all. There's no need to send them another message or call.