7 MIN READ

How to stop your partner from cheating on you

S. Smith
Relationship Psychology Tactician


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How to detect a breaking point in your relationship


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You will learn:
1. How to determine that your partner is cheating on you
2. What are the reasons your partner is cheating
3. Which events usually precede a breakup
4. How to stop your partner from infidelity
Check yourself before reading further
We assume there was a time when:

  • Your relationship was satisfying for both of you
  • It was not based on you chasing your ex, doing everything for them while getting nothing in return, or being emotionally invested while your partner was always distant
If there was such a time, we can bring it back. If not, your relationship was probably imbalanced from the start - in that case, it’s almost impossible to keep it alive for a long time. A recovery is still an option, but we’d need to take drastic measures to restore the power balance (such as the ignoring strategy).
Two deers fighting each other symbolizing a love triangle
To stop your partner from cheating, we need to understand the reasons why stable relationships turn into rubble, sometimes in a matter of weeks (or so it seems).

I’ll tell you this upfront: breakups do not happen quickly.
They are preceded by a certain buildup, a change in the balance. And it’s not easy to spot a slow and gradual change. Especially if it goes on for years. But we can do it - I’ll show you how. Look for the most common indicators hidden in the behavior of your spouse:

The most common indicators:
They become cold and distant, even a little; and the change in their attitude is permanent.
You start having arguments or even conflicts.
They come home late from their job/hobby/university.
They start visiting the gym, or even new cosmetologists - and it’s clearly not for you.
They hide their cellphone or create a password for it.
Your sex life changes in a negative way.
They became overly emotional in response to questions
They tell you a lot of stories about their new “friend” or a “colleague.”
They smell different.
Your instincts tell you so. Yes, sometimes you just know it’s happening.
Now try to remember the first time you experienced any of these signs.
This would be the answer to your question of when it all began.

It’s not necessarily the point when they started cheating - it’s just the point when the power balance shifted enough for them to consider such a possibility.

Why your partner starts seeking an affair

It’s very important to choose your partners carefully. Not everyone is capable of committing such a despicable act, of course. If you’re reading this article, you’ve probably encountered a person who’s capable, unfortunately.

But, if your partner cheats on you, one criterion must be met: you must be in a weak power position. Without this criterion, even a person of low moral character might never cheat on you and would be afraid to lose you. The power in the relationship belongs to the partner who is less emotionally involved. This is the sad truth of life.

How to determine if your relationship is at risk

Two deers fighting each other symbolizing a love triangle
When I experienced my breakup 7 years ago, I thought the main indicators of problems
in my relationship were the following:
I focused on “building” the relationship instead of letting it grow naturally.
I needed this relationship more than my partner.
I started peace talks after every conflict.
After recovering my own relationship and years of practicing and helping people, I’ve created a short checklist you can use to determine if you’re in a weak position:
You are solely responsible for “building” the relationship.
You initiate the communication more than 60% of the time.
You need more - while your partner needs less.
It is you who sincerely talks about love.
You are anxious or jealous.
You have become used to apologizing.
It is you who prepares surprises and gifts.
If you find yourself in a weak position and your partner is prone to affairs, your whole relationship is at risk.

The major sources of imbalance in your relationship

A proud lion symbolizing a strong position in a relationship
Life events that usually precede breakups (can apply to you or your spouse) are listed below. These are the major sources of situational imbalance in your relationship:
a change in job status
taking on a big task, responsibility, or project
a change in income level
gaining or losing a substantial amount of money
having a baby, getting married
having trouble with a teen’s rebellion or moving in with an elderly relative
being diagnosed with a disabling illness
experiencing a tragic accident, losing a relative
During these events, the power balance might shift in such a way that your weak position will become even weaker. But when handled properly, you can improve your position. Check the previous paragraph – if, during these events, only you take responsibility, only you are anxious or jealous, and you need more attention from your partner while they need less, the relationship becomes imbalanced.

And the weak will always face a future where they are anxious, worried, and jealous.
I believe that you do not deserve such a fate.
Not on my watch.
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The effective ways to stop your spouse from cheating on you

A proud lion symbolizing a strong position in a relationship
As you might already understand, the only effective way is to leave the weak power position. It’s that simple.

But how do we determine the optimal value of your emotional “involvement?” It depends on many parameters. Fifty percent on your side and 50% on your partner’s side would be a perfect combination, but when they are distant and close to cheating on you - basically, giving you zero (meaning not being involved in the relationship at all) - the only response might be giving them zero as well. Most people who manage to leave a weak position stop being anxious and nervous - it’s hard to be anxious when you’re in control. The relationship is then restored almost automatically.

How can we improve your position? Obviously, you cannot achieve it by doing exact same things you’ve been doing all this time. Providing more care, being closer and closer, and being warm will not help. Doing this at a larger scale will not help either.

To become strong, independent, and attractive again, we need to do exactly the opposite:

Option number 1 - Distancing

If you only see some distance from your partner and only suspect an affair, it’s enough to distance yourself a little as a response. Yes, your greatest chance for strengthening your relationship lies in you shifting your emotional energy away from it.

This doesn’t mean trying to stop loving your partner or playing hard to get, because distancing is not a game. It means trying to get more balance into your own life. Some will need to reclaim personal strengths that faded as their relationship problems grew. Others may need to build new strengths. You must make a conscious decision to withdraw emotionally from your partner in both cases.

How? Put more focus on your own business, your own life. Spend more time doing things you enjoy. You can improve your position by focusing on your own life and becoming more independent.

Ask yourself the following questions:

1. How did I spend my free time before I started dating my partner?
2. Do I have personal goals outside of this relationship and am I on track to achieve them?
3. What is the status of my social life outside the relationship?

Then, create a plan of your activities for the following week or month.
Simple examples include:
Making a weekly lunch date with friends
Finding a new hobby or starting a freelance business
Getting out into nature once a month
Swimming or going to the gym
Reading at least one book per month
Looking into volunteering
Starting work on your own landing page/Facebook profile or learning how to do it
After that, stick to the plan.

We guarantee that you will feel more fulfilled, busy, balanced, and less dependent and victimized. The dynamics between you and your loved one will change in a positive way. Why does distancing work so well? It boosts your autonomy, spontaneity, and attractiveness. But this topic deserves a separate article.
Option number 2 - The Ignoring Strategy
If the power balance is completely destroyed (you’re providing 100%, and your partner gives you zero) or your partner has already cheated on you, we’ll need a strong and bold preemptive strike: a breakup or a divorce followed by an ignoring strategy. Yes, not being afraid to break up is a good way to save a relationship (if you want to save such a relationship).

Do not be shocked. This is a time-tested solution. And the reinstatement of your relationship should only occur on your terms and under your conditions.

If you think you are not ready to take decisive measures now, you can continue your line of behavior or try different, less drastic solutions. We can only warn you that when your relationship is not balanced and your “partner” disrespects you, doesn’t love you, and commits the ultimate crime - cheats on you - the breakup is imminent. It will be initiated by your partner when they feel like it.

But it’s up to you - afterward, you can still come here, and we’ll find a solution anyway. It’s just that the situation will be worse and we’ll need more work to get results.

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Takeway


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To control a problematic relationship, learn to spot shifts in the power balance.
One of the best ways to achieve this is to notice and compensate for sources of situational imbalance
If you’re with a partner who’s capable of cheating, maintain power balance of at least 50% to 50%. Do not take a weak power position. Do not chase them.
If you’ve already been betrayed, take immediate action: distancing/breaking up, then following the ignoring strategy (no contact can be okay, too, but it’s less efficient).

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