Should I Ignore My Ex's Texts During No Contact?

After a breakup, it's hard to believe that your ex will ever get in touch. But if you stick to not contacting them, trust me, they will eventually reach out. And when that happens, your feeling of winning can quickly turn into worry: should you answer them? And if yes, how? To figure this out, let's look at the exact reasons why they would get in touch:

It's simple: the way your ex reacts to you ignoring their message depends on their reason for reaching out, and that reason is influenced by their current stage of no contact, whether it's Relief, Doubt, Anger, Nostalgia, and Regret:

As you can see, in most cases, their outreach isn't about rekindling anything but more about reaffirming their own self-worth. In more troublesome scenarios, they might be fishing for a reaction, looking to bolster their ego through your response. Maybe they had a rough day, recalling a cherished memory shared with you, and in that fleeting moment of vulnerability, they felt an urge to reconnect. Workplace challenges, where they might miss your support, or perhaps an unsatisfactory romantic endeavor post your breakup can bring old feelings rushing back. It's crucial to distinguish between these momentary lapses and the genuine regret phase.

By recognizing the underlying reasons for their outreach, you equip yourself with the insight to respond (or not respond) in a manner that best aligns with your desires and well-being. Now that we've delved into the complexities of their mindset, let's address the burning question on your mind:

Let's discuss the benefits of ignoring their messages:

1. You're freed from constant thoughts about how to reply. You're not obsessed with these stages and various hypothetical situations. It's straightforward: if they wish to reconcile, they will find a way to mend what's broken. That's their responsibility. As evidenced in my practice, if an ex truly wants to reconcile, they will literally show up at your doorstep. A mere ignored message won't deter them.

2. It increases their uncertainty about you and accelerates nostalgia. The lack of information breeds immense curiosity.

3. You mitigate the risk of responding in a way that signifies you're still in a weak (one-down) position, which would repel them. Here's the secret from practice: simply responding to someone who chose to leave, especially if the message isn't about reconciliation, signals dependency. Even a neutral message could be perceived as such.

Could ignoring their messages push them away? While I haven't seen such cases, I believe there's a small possibility. However, an improper response can and will push them away. If they send you a message and you perceive it as a step towards reconciliation, then you reciprocate by moving a step or two towards them (instead of, for example, allowing them space to progress by making a tactical step back), they will pull away. They may even regress to Stage 1 of no contact, where they experience relief from the end of the relationship.

So, in my experience, ignoring any message except those from Stage 5 is the most efficient recovery strategy.

Often, the initial texts your ex sends may not hold significant emotional value or express clear intent, but may instead be intended to provoke a response from you. These can range from seemingly innocuous greetings to subtle inquiries about your well-being, all designed to re-establish contact or satisfy their curiosity. Below are some typical examples:

1. "Hi" or "Hello": These are basic, non-committal texts, typically aimed at gauging your response.
2. "How are you?": Doesn't imply they want to reconcile. It could be a casual check-in or an attempt to ease their guilt.
3. "I found this (photo/object/book) and thought of you": A tactful way to initiate contact without expressing direct emotions.
4. "Remember when we (shared experience)": Again, they're not direct because they want you to make the first step.
5. "I just passed by (a place you used to go together)": This text, again, is a subtle way to initiate contact, embedded in shared experiences, without expressing clear intent.

Remember, these texts are not inherently "bad", but understanding the context and intent behind them can help guide your response, especially if you're committed to maintaining no contact. However, let's delve into the topic of responding to ensure you have a comprehensive understanding:

If your ex reaches out with a message asking why you're ignoring them during the no contact period, it's a valid choice to maintain your stance and not respond. However, unexpected face-to-face encounters can be trickier. If posed with the question in person, consider a measured response like, "Is there something specific you wanted to address?" Then, regardless of their comeback, gently steer the conversation by saying, "I don't believe now's the right time for that discussion." At stage 5, they typically refrain from bringing this up, recognizing the pain and wrongs they've inflicted upon you. They understand that you are entirely justified in prioritizing your emotional well-being, health, and overall life by distancing yourself from those who overlooked your intrinsic value.

Whenever you're grappling with self-doubt, wondering if it's impolite to ignore your ex, remind yourself of a fundamental truth: you always possess the right to choose who you interact with. Every individual, including you, holds this prerogative. In today's digital age, imagine receiving messages from an unknown person on social media who consistently sends negative or unsolicited comments. Most people would not hesitate to block or ignore such a user. Why? Because there's an inherent understanding that no one is obliged to entertain negativity or hostility, even in the virtual space. This is a clear boundary set for one's own peace of mind. Similarly, when it comes to past relationships, the emotional stakes are even higher. It's entirely valid and sometimes necessary to establish boundaries, even if it means ignoring certain interactions for the sake of one's own emotional health. Given your shared history and the hurt they've inflicted, it's not just about politeness. It's about prioritizing your emotional well-being. Always remember, particularly in the aftermath of what they've done, you owe it to yourself to prioritize your feelings and needs above all else.

Here's what to keep in mind:

With this approach, the likelihood of making a mistake is greatly reduced.

I hope this analysis has brought some clarity to your current situation. Typically, gaining a better understanding of your circumstances provides some much-needed mental peace, even if just for a moment...