Why is no contact bad for you?

Savva Smith
Entrepreneur, Coach


Top two methods to get your ex back - and to restore yourself

When I am consulting people who come to me for help, we always discuss such topics as no contact and the ignoring strategy. Some people already know about these methods, but they have no idea why they exist, and when they can be effective. People tend to search for magic pills that require zero effort, but are 100% effective and provide instant results.

You, of course, are different - because you're here, on my website. The only purpose of this website is to make you stronger. On this path to our inner strength, we'll have to learn many things - not only 'what we should do', but also 'why'.

This is why a weak position in your relationship is NOT for you

Human relationships are all about balance. If there's no balance, there's no relationship.
If you are in a weak position, you cannot control your relationship. The fate of your relationship will be decided by your partner. If you chose the wrong person, you will eventually face a breakup. There's no other option. It's statistics.

When you are in a weak position, the only question is 'when'. 'When' is determined by only one factor: a trigger. There are multiple possible triggers for a breakup to happen: a new job position of your partner, a new hobby, a call from their ex, or a random stranger who's flirting with them. When you are in a weak position, you're very vulnerable, because you depend on a multitude of external conditions you cannot control.

How to retake a strong position in your relationship

A woman and a man are arm wrestling on a beach
To restore your position in the relationship, or to get your ex back, you have to restore the power balance. There are different methods to achieve that, and the so-called 'no contact' is one of them. If you're using 'no contact' to get your ex back or to improve your position, you stop initiating communications with your ex. And this is a good part of 'no contact'. But there's a part that nullifies all the advantages of this method. It's the part when you're recommended to respond to messages from your ex. Even 'ping' messages.

Why is it bad for you, to respond to obvious 'pings'? Because it demonstrates your weakness and availability, that's why. As always, it's very simple. There's nothing complex in relationship psychology - if you understand the basics.

This is what happens when you use 'no contact' and respond to your ex

Atomic explosion
When you are responding to 'how are you?' from your ex, who left you, who caused you great pain, who basically betrayed you (and your kids, if you have them), you're manifesting the "I am still here for you" message. And it doesn't matter how you respond.

It's the fact of you messaging your ex that matters. The power balance, that started to shift to your advantage, is reset to zero again. You're starting from scratch. Why? The first reason - you gave up. You couldn't resist the temptation to respond to your ex. The second reason - when you respond, your ex gets reassurance that they can continue their experiments in their new life without you, without any repercussion.

They can try new options, and new partners, and if they fail them, your ex will be able to just text you, to have a casual chat, and maybe reunite with you - not now, not after 3-4 months (which is an average time lapse of getting your ex back after my consultation), but after a couple of years of their 'adventures'. When you're executing this part of 'no contact', you're playing the role of a safe landing zone for your ex. Their ping messages are mere checks of your availability. When you signal that you're still there, their emotional state is being reset, any signs of reminiscence and nostalgia are disappearing, and they safely continue their flight to Istanbul, Dubai, Alabama, or to wherever they'd like to 'try' some new 'landing' zones.

What is the best alternative to 'no contact'?

It is the ignoring strategy. Which is actually not about ignoring your ex. It's about removing any unwanted, harmful, or not-good-enough elements from your life. Your ex showed their inability to properly estimate you. To value you. You promised them everything - and they have made the ultimate mistake of not appreciating this gift. Now the only option for them to reunite with you is to prove that they're worthy of you. They have to fight for your attention. You're independent, you're pursuing your own goals, and you're focused.

This is attractive. This is the only way. The ignoring process is the most powerful method to restore the power balance. Period. But this article is not about the ignoring process. We will discuss this method in future articles.

Hiking, traveling, hitting the gym, meeting friends, meditating, dating - these activities can help you live a more fulfilling life. But they will not help you forget your ex.

The information you can find on the Internet is often published by those who like to create theories. Who enjoy teaching and coaching. It's a rare case when you find an article or a video crafted by a person who practice what they preache. Be careful.